I feel like I’ve been killed. A specter, hovering silently in the dark corners of an ancient house. Detached from all people and yet tied inexorably to all of humanity’s fate as I sit and observe.
I used to be a being filled with the desire for an experienced and fun filled life. Now I see only darkness before us. No divine bright light beckoning me to come to a better world than this. Faith that once sustained me wavering and threatening to shatter. My detached spirit wanders the limbo of internet discussion boards observing and absorbing the pain of the world, cut lose from my useless and ailing body in search of answers. Only more questions are raised and solutions are illusions. I want to save the world but can’t make any difference it seems, despite my life’s energy spent in aimless ranting about the wrongs of our time.
I feel drained and I want my magick back. Magick to me is the divine spark, that which makes us sentient and empathic beings. The energy that two people in love have, the kindness of strangers, the caring of family; all magick. The ability to give your soul to an ideal, to forgo even personal health and sanity to speak words that must be heard.
I certainly can speak, at least through the medium of my word processor, and I try to be as annoyingly prolific as I can. All the right ears are deaf though and I can barely stand any longer talking to myself. Madness is born this way. You have granted me a much needed audience but at times I fear that preaching to the choir is a futile pursuit. I feel sometimes that we are in our own way like those awaiting some mystical rapture to save us from the doom our corrupted leaders would have for us.
I feel spent. Anxious to the point of madness for something significant to happen. To find my place and my way; I’ve been lost for so long now. Sucked dry by the hopelessness of our world and the absolute arrogance and ignorance of most of humanity about the perils it faces.
I feel like an alien. How could I be part of this stupid species and yet in my own life I find a microcosm of the self destructive nature of man. My humanity has abandoned me for pure hatred for the authors of these destructions of our lives. I ride a dark razor between the light and the foul paths known to man. What kind of monster will I have to become to survive the coming storm? Am I strong enough to stand for what is right or will I succumb to pure desire like most of my species and have a singular course that rides over all who oppose it?
I want my soul back you bastards!! You made me put all the energy of light I can muster into fighting you and it’s running out, as is our time to stop you. My soul is so over extended like the bodies of those you throw into your wars that there seems to be nothing left for the ones I love. I am an empty shell, corn husks lying in dirt, powerless and twisting in the whirlwind you’re making us all reap. It’s not just my soul at stake but the very soul of our nation. Magickal ideals set down with words by men with more courage than we today seem capable of. Even your precious Bible tells us that even the foulest of demons were once angels, and our only hope is that some of The Fallen in our world can be lured back to the light. I want my soul back you bastards! The one you have cut lose, disembodied and floating without direction, by putting hegemony over humanity which you too seem to have forgotten you’re a part of. I want no more of your disease, return me to life and show me that the world will suffer you no longer. Look to your own children and see that they deserve the future you seem to want to steal from them. Restore your own soul and give us back ours or angrier and stronger men than I will someday wrest them from your grasp. Ignore me at your peril.
Posted in full with permission of author.
Originally posted on democraticunderground.com: http://journals.democraticunderground.com/shadowknows69/130