Thursday, November 22, 2007

Attention Lurkers! Here's How It's Gonna Go Down ...

By NanceGreggs

It would seem obvious by now that a Democratic president being sworn-in in January 2009 is an inevitability. It would be na├»ve to think that this outcome will not be directly attributable to the fact that your party has totally f*cked up everything from the economy, education, the environment, the judicial process, the – but really, need I go on? As you all know, the internetz has only so many tubes to hold information.

I just wanted to give you all a head’s-up as to what changes you can expect with the swearing-in of our next President in January 2009.

Amazingly, the next President will have been duly elected to office. For those of you with younger children, you may have to explain that concept to the kids, being as they’ve never seen a duly-elected president before. ("But mama, what about the Supreme Court? What about Diebold? What about the math?")

The Constitution of the United States will be brought back to its former position of reverence and relevance. I realize that for many of you, kon-sti-tu-shun is a brand new word – but simply put, it’s that thing your president has been ignoring and/or dismantling for the past seven-plus years. Don’t hesitate to ask mom or dad to help you google it – you’ll be amazed at what it actually says!

Rights and freedoms curtailed and/or dispensed with under BushCo will be reinstated. Oh, please, you’re not going to launch into that what rights and freedoms diatribe again, are you? Put some thought and effort into it – I’m sure you’ll be able to figure it out. Good place to start: habeas corpus. (Hint: That is not the name of a hip-hop band.)

The newly-elected Democratic president, once sworn-in, will immediately start acting like the last president; i.e. will start wiretapping without a warrant, spying on American citizens, fabricating evidence to start a war in the Middle East, wrecking the economy, lying about – nah, they won’t really. But I bet that thought scared the crap out of you, didn’t it?

The next President will be able to communicate intelligently, and will have more than a passing familiarity with the English language. The immediate impact of this situation will be on late-night show monologues, as putting food on your family jokes will no longer simply write themselves. (Makes you appreciate those striking writers now, doesn’t it?)

The new President will not be appointing incompetent idiots to positions like the head of FEMA, nor criminals to head up Homeland Security. The truth is that most criminals tend to be Republicans, which leaves a smaller pool to choose from. And as big as the Democrat tent tends to be, we honestly don’t even know anyone as dumb as Michael Brown.

As is their wont, Republicans will no doubt start looking for a ‘sex scandal’ to attach to the new President. This is always a problem for Democrats, as they are usually sexually attractive people. We, as a party, have often decried the fact that this particular tactic can never be used on a Republican president for obvious reasons. Let’s face it, if a Democrat had tried to suggest that Ronald Reagan was getting BJs from a willing young lady, even you would have laughed your asses off!

Investigations into corruption and wrongdoing by the previous administration will continue. Unfortunately for many Republican office-holders, the US government is not a board game where, once a winner is declared, the board is cleared and the game starts all over again. Players can still draw the Go directly to Jail! card – and the Get out of Jail FREE! card from the previous administration’s game is no longer in play.

On April 1, 2009, the President will announce that all Republicans are to be immediately deported to a desert island – and you will swallow it, hook, line and sinker. Let’s face it, if you believed Bush was telling the truth all these years, you’re obviously not savvy enough to know when someone is pullin’ your leg.

The separation of Church and State will again be recognized, as per the Constitution. This means that self-proclaimed Christian preachers will be forced to stop being political tools and go back to sermonizing about the words and teachings of one Jesus Christ. In order to expedite the transitional period, classes such as "Jesus Christ – The Forgotten Christian" will be held in major cities and larger rural areas for pastors who will be learning about their Savior for the first time.

Now, here’s some good news. We know how much you people hate those Welfare Queens who suckle at the public teat. Chances are the new Democratic regime will tell Exxon-Mobile that their tax subsidies are a thing of the past, and it’s time to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and learn how to get by on their billions in profits without a handout from the taxpayers.

Alas, here’s some bad news. If you are currently invested in companies like Halliburton, whose profits depend on endless war being waged, you might want to talk to your broker about diversifying your portfolio.

The new President and his/her administration will undoubtedly fall into the What about HIM? precedent of blaming all of America’s ills on the previous administration. (You will, of course, recall how popular this was during the Bush years). The difference here will be that when they discuss the quagmire in Iraq, the failing economy, the broken military, etc., and say, “It’s all Bush’s fault” – they’ll actually be RIGHT!

So here’s a pre-emptive Shock ‘n Awe moment for all of you 24%-ers out there: Come January 2009, the country may well be on its way back to being a respected world leader.


Posted in full with authors permission.

Originally posted at

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