Saturday, February 9, 2008

Gathering of Awesome!

Have you heard of these guys? Man, they blow my mind! I've never seen so much patriotism confined to one website: How do they contain all that kick-ass patriotism with such a small amount of bandwidth? I thought I was a patriot: driving my Ford F350 all drunk, wailing on my wife, getting tattoos of bald eagles and Confederate battle flags, and then these guys come along and BOOM! I get to see, first-hand, what a real bad-ass American hero looks like. I thought I was supposed to go to the gym and get all muscular. Or learn how to fight. Nope! To judge from the physiques and prêt-à-porter attire of the Eagles, all I need is regular access to a buffet and some straight-leg Wranglers to attain that patriotic chic.

So now I'm on a pretty strict regimen of steak, Miller High Life and seasonal sales at Farm and Fleet. I'd say that makes me the most patriotic red, white and blue bad-ass on my block. There's some dude next door with a sign that insists "MARRIAGE = MAN + WOMAN" in his front yard, but I've never seen him scream at 110-pound Code Pink gal until he was at the threshold of breaking an assault law, so I'm pretty sure he's a homo. Probably his mom's a Democrat. Might as well be Viet Cong!

Well, my fellow patriots, I'm glad you let me get all Francis Scott Key on your asses. It's just, when it gets all patriotic up in here with some Lee Greenwood pumping in the background, everybody's saluting, totally waving the Stars and Stripes all up in your face and I can feel the eagles soaring, I'm glad to know where they gather: in internet forums where liberal concepts like "grammar" and "veracity" have no place.

No comments: